Wanna whole lotta luck!

Just hit the keyboard. Don't think when you write the first draft. Put all your brain when you review it. This is what William Forrester taught Jamal in Finding Forrester. I'm no writer but a mere commentator. It is psychology that excites me the most though I've never read a single book or attended a single lecture on the subject. Just look around. Everybody wants to rule the world. Power, fame, wealth and the show of superiority with these. Does it end there? Not really but it clearly starts here. I find postmortem on success by those who achieved it interesting - they often seem to be forgetful. I am amused that no one says he/she doesn't know why he/she reached here! A cousin of mine told me "70% of what you see is false". I was a child then. Today, to my surprise, I feel the same! So much has changed, in and around me. It will be pointless to list them down. Still I find most of the things vague. My daughter (not even 3) is going thro' the best phase of her life... unknowingly of course. Soon she'll understand it's not cool to say "I don't know"... in fact that might raise question marks on her "attitude". This one word has suffered the maximum humiliation in last one decade.

The paragraph above was written 1yr back. Just to check how much has changed within me, I read it back. I am boring? I still look around and actively collect "goofy sh**"! I don't think it is a mark of frustration. I enjoy being myself - which should be enough for a lifetime. I still dream of making films and chase no big American dream.

The paragraph above was written on Oct 2010. I need to check how much I have changed in these 2Y. Maybe not much. It's still interesting to look back at my own self after a gap of couple of years. My daughter is 4.5Y today. I don't know she would be at all interested to read these scribbles when she reaches the right age. Will I be alive, even if she does? Is it worth doing? I don't know. All I know is that I don't do it driven by any rule or business proposals. There is no reader till date for these trash can except my wife. It's a safe harbor.

My daughter is 5Y+ now. Everything above this line was written 2.5Y-0.5Y back. Let me see how I look now!

Losers curse their bad luck and others' good luck to explain their tragedy too often. Winners, in most cases, have an inspiring story to tell. Of course there are exceptions. God-fearing winners feel God's grace and a few mortals' (parents usually) blessings to help them achieve things. At 16, I hardly tasted failure. At 26, I had people or situations to blame. At 36, I am a seasoned loser... failed on a sustained basis and have myself to blame first. In fact pointing fingers to other directions seem to be pointless now. There are too many weaknesses in me that I have to live with. It is painful, but I have to agree that I got what I deserved. Professional success was/is too tall an order for me, I realize. Just that I could camouflage things well enough... till I left college and things started to show up slowly but steadily from then on. I still try to manage with some mannerisms etc; those tricks hardly work at my age unfortunately. The feeling of failure revives itself every time I come in contact, real or virtual, with people whom I met in college or worked with during initial days of my career. Staying alone works marginally better for me. On the other hand, there is another part of me who is not willing to give in. He looks at good things around him. Family, of course, is a great boost. Life is not all about profession. Since I could read my situation with reasonable accuracy early in the game, I should be able to absorb it with more ease. There are folks I grew up with who would envy me for whatever I have achieved so far. In a crowded bus, I look around and comfort myself seeing the per capita income of our great nation. Poison kills poison – old Bengali say! The moral of the story is: Find/enjoy the magic in everyday chores; keep your world meaningfully tight and small; stay busy. It is this side of me that keeps me afloat in unpleasant tides. I am not talking about shutting the door to the whole world… all I am advocating for is not to get carried away by the glitter. Just stay aware of your limits to avoid further complications. Things could have been (and still can be) a lot worse than this. Life is too short to celebrate one’s success or mourn one’s failure. At 36, I am not depressed and that’s not too bad. I enjoy a hell lot of things around me, there are people who care for me and that really means a lot. If I’m there to see 46, I feel curious to know how things would look then.

So many things which are in dangerously close proximity around me – but I don’t want to touch many of them. IPL is on now… some are perennially on like FB, malls, latest technology on handheld gadgets, etc. Sorry, I am not interested. Does it mean I’m not alive? Not at all. I do like a lot of commodities: the internet, good movies/music – this list is a function of time and mood though… having said that it doesn’t mean it will change every day. Want a proof? OK… let me give you a few things I have come in touch with and enjoyed. Amit Trivedi – a young music composer of Hindi films. He caught my attention in Dev D, and then Ishaqzade and now Kai Po Che happened. I am fond of his sound and wish him a truly rewarding musical journey ahead. We had A R Rahman and Pritam. Now Amit Trivedi is slowly but steadily inching towards the bronze medal. Abhishek Kapoor – someone who came with an ambition of being a hero, had the blessing of an uncle like Mr. Jitendra, met with terrible outcome as an actor. He vanished from the scene without a trace and reappeared as a director after a few years. Once again he didn’t get success initially until Rock On happened. No looking back since then… both RO and KPC are solid work by a new director. I read in an interview about his days in dejection. He had everyone known in the film world yet he had no place to go. Great comeback by a deserving guy… kudos! How can I forget Ranbir Kapoor? The young man who has established himself as a star and an actor before reaching 30 – he is the future of Hindi films. Be it conventional roles or something as adventurous as Barfi!, RK has never shied away – he is poised to go a long way.

The light is gone – a thought bothering me for some time. I don’t think I’ll be there to see my daughter at my today’s age. Even if I physically exist, I might be a mere vegetable. Maybe these scribbles will be considered pure trash. It is difficult to raise sympathy for a failed father. The speed of life might reach that of light by then. The only wish I make is for a happy and healthy life for her. When she is on top, she should be able to take it with humility. She should not lose composure when she is low. And she can always find magic, to keep her going, if she searches. There is work, music, hobbies etc – enough for one life. Don’t feel depressed at all. The only reason to compete with others would be: if there is a limited stock ticket to immortality!